How To Talk to Your Family & Friends About IBS
Does it seem like your life with IBS is isolated and lonely?
For many with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), talking to others about it can be scary. So they hold it all in and and disconnect from relationships, including family and friends. This means the people in their life don’t get a chance to fully support and understand them.
If that’s you, the goal of this article is to give you tools to talk to those in your life about your condition so you can have deeper relationships and a true support system.
What is IBS?
IBS is a functional gut disorder, meaning it’s a very real thing with very real symptoms, but has been misunderstood by those who don’t live with it. IBS has, for a very long time, been thought to be mostly “in your head.” We know now that this isn’t even close to true, but the misperception still lingers on in many people.
I have a client that started working with me after being diagnosed with IBS at 19 years old. Her symptoms started at age 17, but when she explained them to her family, they mostly responded with “that’s normal, you’re fine.”
The thing with IBS is that the symptoms do seem fairly normal: occasional gas, bloating, constipation, and/or diarrhea.
Do those without IBS experience these symptoms?
While those without IBS may think they experience those symptoms too, on occasion or after certain meals, they don’t understand how intense these symptoms can be for someone with IBS.
Those with IBS have what’s called hypersensitivity, which means that common symptoms like gas and bloating can be extremely painful. This is due to miscommunication between the gut and the brain, and is very hard to communicate to those who haven’t experienced it. It can lead to those with IBS feeling like they are over exaggerating and can lead to fear of expressing how they are feeling.
What else can happen?
With IBS, diarrhea and/or constipation can also become more problematic than in the non-IBS community. These symptoms aren’t just occuring after eating a greasy fast-food meal, or with very large meals.
For those with IBS, these symptoms may be present at all times, leading to the need for medication to control the change in motility. They can occur after eating very healthy foods, like a salad, or even from certain activities, regardless of the food they’ve eaten.
Instead of the constipation and/or diarrhea causing moments of discomfort, these can feel debilitating and can lead to fear of being away from home too long. This also leads to isolation because nobody enjoys telling the details of their pooping habits as a reason for missing an event.
What’s your poop personality? Find out here!
Bridging the gap to others
If you’re living with IBS and all of the above rings true for you, I get it and I hope to help.
While your family and friends may not ever fully understand what living with IBS is like, one of the most empowering things you can do is begin to share some of what you experience with them. When those around you are able to understand your needs, they can make helpful accommodations for you, or at least be more empathetic when you’re having a hard time.
This doesn’t mean you have to share all of your poop stories with them, but you do need to learn how to properly communicate.
Here are a few ways to do that:
Explain what IBS actually is.
You can say “IBS,” if you’re comfortable with that, or you don’t have to.
What to say: “I live with a chronic condition that can lead to severe digestive symptoms. This means I have to more more careful with what I eat, how I manage my stress levels, and certain activities I do.”
If you want to get more detailed and feel comfortable, you can say “I have IBS. It is a functional gut disorder that affects how I digest food and handle stress. It can be really hard to live with, but I am doing what I can to manage my symptoms.”
Help them understand what your needs are
This may change depending on the situation you’re in, but it will mostly revolve around what foods you may not be able to eat.
What you can say: “I have many food intolerances that lead to painful and uncomfortable symptoms. These include……(list yours here).”
I usually stick to 2-3 of my top triggers with this statement so my friend/family member isn’t completely overwhelmed. The goal is to help them understand why you can’t eat certain foods, or help them make changes in recipes so you can enjoy them too.
If you are struggling with triggers that aren’t food, here are a few statements that may help:
“When I am very stressed, I have severe digestive issues. I am able to manage them by taking breaks and setting boundaries, so I may not be able to …. (respond to emails, answer calls, etc.)… after work hours.”
“Very intense workout classes worsen my digestive symptoms, so can we go to x class (whatever you love that doesn’t worsen symptoms) instead?”
Give them a solution to help you
It’s great to have the support of friends and family on your IBS journey, but many times you aren’t getting their full support because they have no idea how to help.
I mentioned some above, but when you tell them your food intolerances, teach them how to make substitutions. Download the handout below you can use to do this!
With activities and restaurants, give alternatives. With stress, set very clear boundaries so they know what to expect.
Share resources
You don’t have to be responsible for fully educating friends and family on your IBS diagnosis, especially if it makes you uncomfortable. One of the best things you can do for those that want to support you, is to provide resources for them to learn more about IBS. You can share my podcast, blog, recipe ideas or Instagram (@erinjudge.rd), or share from Monash University or Kate Scarlata. Whoever you enjoy learning from, share those blogs so others can learn too!
This is also helpful for your boss, if you need them to understand why you may be taking more sick time or setting more boundaries around your time.
What if this doesn’t work?
Conversations are never one-sided, so these tips can be helpful but may not guarantee that your friend or family member will be understanding.
Unfortunately, many of my clients still have loved ones give them a hard time about their symptoms and make fun of them for the changes they have made to prevent symptoms. That may happen and sometimes you can remove yourself from the relationship, but sometimes you can’t. That’s why it’s so important to have a community that you can find support in.
The best community is one you can physically spend time with, but if you don’t have that right now or if you’re wanting more, we have a free and paid option for you to consider:
Free: The GUT Community
The Gut Community is full of amazing people who understand and would love to support you! Set goals, share your stories/concerns/wins, and learn about how to manage your symptoms better!
MASTER Method Membership
The MASTER Method Membership is an online, self-study, program for the person with IBS who wants to take control of their IBS and feel confident in their body again. Included in the membership fee is access to Club MM, a community forum with other members and Gutivate dietitians to connect, ask questions, and get support each step of the way.
Are you frustrated with your IBS symptoms? Do you desire to be confident in your food choices? Do you want to have a healthier relationship with your body and diet? Are you ready to take control of your IBS?
